Heart rate when my wife asked for a divorce [OC]


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Comments:

14 Feb 2018 08:44 - +5411
Source/tools: My Fitbit charge 2, downloaded data via the API (the app gives very broad/limited data, but the API will give you 1s-5s intervals) using [this script](https://github.com/simonbromberg/googlefitbit), which then dumped in a Google Sheet and charted there. Not looking for sympathy, just saw the wedding OC and figured I'd check mine from my recent life event. Don't let your problems linger for a year, friends.
14 Feb 2018 09:37 - +1624
"I don't think this is healthy for either of us" Yep those types of statements are when denial is completely out the window. Shit just got real. See also "This isn't working anymore".
14 Feb 2018 09:38 - +1542
Am I correct in assuming that sudden drop before the initial spike in heart rate is the few minutes you felt literally nothing after hearing horrible news?
14 Feb 2018 10:28 - +902
Well this is certainly very original. Can't say I've seen this charted before! Sorry about the divorce, dude.
14 Feb 2018 10:01 - +862
Actually quite interesting. The data, not your divorce. That's shitty. For what it's worth, my parents got divorced when I was in high school and they are in _much_ better condition (financially and emotionally) than they were when they were married. I know you weren't asking for sympathy, but you're getting it, goddamnit. And you're gonna like it.
14 Feb 2018 10:07 - +664
Just remember, it's not a reflection of you as a person, but the two of you as a couple. It gets better.
14 Feb 2018 09:43 - +343
"Can we talk?" "Yeah, one sec, I'm just looking at data is... Oh, wow, that's so much unemployment for people that didn't graduate high school.. Man... So glad I" "Okay, for Christ's sake, this, THIS is why I'm divorcing you! "Haha, yeah, man so many withou... wait, what?!"
14 Feb 2018 10:35 - +214
Well your resting HR is pretty good. You obviously do cardio, so you've got that going for you. (Or you have a heart condition, and I'm extra sorry.)
14 Feb 2018 09:35 - +176
[removed]
14 Feb 2018 10:18 - +101
Been there dude, it’s gonna suck for a long time, but just know that you’ll outgrow the pain. You are in for a shitty ride. Great data tho
14 Feb 2018 10:46 - +54
Wow. This submission hit me like a shovel from around the corner. We live in a theater with indifferent robotic audience which just impassionately records it, stores it. Not a laughter or a sob. _Silencio_. Just a beep of the cardio machine. A spike on the blood pressure monitor. A seismic jump of a polygraph needle.
14 Feb 2018 10:42 - +41
*How can you mend a broken heart?* Not sure, but you can sure document one. Sorry, OP. I see you took this loss to heart.
14 Feb 2018 10:40 - +34
Too bad this happened, but thank you for sharing this interesting data.
14 Feb 2018 10:51 - +27
This sucks and I hope it never happens to you again. But speaking from experience, I hope you can learn from it. I went from being trapped in a marriage in a small town with my wife cheating and an abusive mother in law who trapped her in a toxic mess, to 3 bachelors degrees, a lot of gym time that taught me I'm not as unattractive as I had been led to believe, and moving 2,000 miles away to one of the biggest cities in the U. S. to chase a dream. There's a lot of suffering, struggle, and discomfort while you do these things, but the difference is I was suffering for nothing before and I'm suffering for something now. Sometimes the worst thing you can be is mildly uncomfortable with something crappy. You end up spending years and a lot of energy trying to get the last drops out of a can when there's a trough out there if you'll look for it. I hope you can find renewed purpose in your freedom and do things you'd been putting off. The worst thing in life is self pity. Dream big and go get it!
14 Feb 2018 10:42 - +27
As a data scientist myself, I wish to salute you, good sir. Dedication is reliving a difficult time, in pursuit of what kind of neat shit you can pull out of the numbers.
14 Feb 2018 10:32 - +19
Interesting to see, I'm sure this has to do with other subs you're active in (I'd recognize that username anywhere) and wish you the best, I've been there. From my experience I think it would be interesting to see when there sre moments over the next weeks and months that just randomly you start feeling it again and the heart rate changes.
14 Feb 2018 10:50 - +8
Congratulations! I have nothing to say about the graph, but as hard as divorce is you will both end up much happier this way.
14 Feb 2018 10:27 - +6
Sorry to hear, glad that walk helped settle that all down. I’m sure some ppl don’t have the sense to try and chill after an event like this. If you’re wearing a Fitbit.. you’re obviously paying attention. Good luck with the changes.
14 Feb 2018 10:53 - +6
Good luck man. Back when I was married I had atrial fibrillation all the time, including during this same conversation. I don't now though :-)
14 Feb 2018 10:39 - +5
So... can any medical folks evaluate is this healthy response to a major stressor? You can almost see the exact moment when the adrenaline hit and than crashed off. OP, been there. You will be fine. Take time. Get back in the game b3ire you get too comfortable being alone. Unless of course that’s your thing, in which case you do you.
14 Feb 2018 10:51 - +3
I wonder if the peaks and troughs after the initial 'burst' are your own thoughts about accepting and fighting the situation....I see the first peak as "that's it? it's over - such bullsh*t she's not even giving us a chance"; then you start to rationalize "maybe its for the best, we've tried and its not working out" only to rebound "no, I can't give up this easily - maybe if we try XYZ" only to calm yourself back down again. Very interesting. Hope things work out for the best - sorry your loss becomes our data but very cool stuff!
14 Feb 2018 10:58 - +3
I wish I had a HR when my ex asked for a divorce. I’m sure it would look similar. I’m going on 3 years and shit is a lot better now.
14 Feb 2018 10:46 - +3
Damn, OP. That’s rough. Sorry you’re going through some stuff right now. I feel for you and wish you the best.
14 Feb 2018 11:05 - +1
I'd love to see your heart rate the next time you find yourself in a blissful or exceptionally content state of mind. I also hope this turns out to be a good thing for you both, even if it sucks right now.
14 Feb 2018 11:13 - +1
This is the most interesting, heartbreaking data I've ever seen. You have immense courage to post this. I hope you are doing well.
14 Feb 2018 11:06 - +1
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14 Feb 2018 11:25 - +1
Okay I admit that this is truly horrible, BUT... What I get from this grid, is: If you love someone who doesn’t love you, it could all be over in 15 minuets. Or If you are unhappy in your relationship with someone who loves you, it could all be over in 15 minuets. Happy Valentine’s Day!
14 Feb 2018 11:45 - +1
This graphic is empirical evidence that starting any conversation with "Can we talk?" is an asshole thing to do. Might as well be saying, "Hey, start producing stress hormones!"
14 Feb 2018 11:10 - +1
Be thankful you don't have kids involved. I don't care how much it hurts either of you, what either of you get out of this, the kids are always the victims in these things. If I thought she could be reasonable and agree to 50/50, we might have actually had real, adult conversations. Instead it went to lawyers. Luckily for everyone the entire process lasted four months. That was from "I don't know what I want" to "I don't want to be unhappy for the next ten years" and "I feel trapped" to her actually filing, lawyers, money, sale of marital home etc etc. Good luck man. Dig up old friends, call your family, don't be afraid to talk to people. Everyone's experience is different but you're not alone.
14 Feb 2018 11:03 - +1
Your resting heart rate is 55? Guess you're actually doing something to deserve that fitbit, unlike me.
14 Feb 2018 11:16 - +1
My divorced finalized about a year ago. That was 6 months after filing. Things get better, OP. The next few months you really should just focus on yourself. Improve yourself in ways you felt like you couldn't before and experiment with things that make you happy (not suggesting drugs). And therapy. Do as much as you can afford. It's worth it. You are worth it. Pm me if you ever need someone to listen.
14 Feb 2018 11:10 - +1
Fuck, man. For what it’s worth, my sympathy and an ear if you need it. My friend just had a bombshell dropped on him (wife had year-long affair with best friend + divorce). We’re all trying to figure out how we can possibly honor our friendship with the adulterers (we had NO idea) while not condoning what they did to our friend. He’s out of state and they just moved in together back home. Shit’s fucked. Thanks for letting us in to a private and trying moment of your life.
14 Feb 2018 11:12 - +1
I’m just going to throw this out there. Out of high school, I fell in love with a girl when I first went to college. We moved in. I kept putting off asking her to marry me even though I know she would have said yes at any point. Four years go by. We have our ups and downs. They’re to both extremes, never any violence but periods of not talking to each other even though we live together. One time I got so mad I slammed my car door and the glass shattered all over me. At that point I realize it just isn’t working. I end it. I move on. I was alone but I found things to do. I then randomly met my now wife and it just clicked from our first meeting to our first date. I knew I was going to marry her. No question. Here I am six and a half years later. We’ve been married for five. She’s still amazing and we have way too much fun. I hope it lasts because I never have any doubts. We never fight. We’ve never fought. We have our first daughter who is five months. It’s amazing. Moral of my story: sometimes the one you think is the one isn’t the one. If I hadn’t left the ex, I’d probably have married her and grown unhappy by now.
14 Feb 2018 11:15 - +1
I know you didn't come here for advice, but I'd encourage you to talk to a lawyer ASAP. I went through what I thought was an amicable and easy going separation/divorce and it just gave her more time to build up a massive divorce case against me. Luckily no kids, but it got ugly. Be smart.
14 Feb 2018 11:21 - +1
I can't imagine what mine was, mine was completely unexpected. I had been married for close to 5 years and it was a few weeks before our daughters 2nd birthday she woke me up in the morning and said she had started seeing someone from work. I lost it, never been one to cry but went and sat in my truck and just sobbed. For a little over a month I gave her a lot of opportunities to come back and for us to go to counseling but eventually I wrote her a letter which I read to her and at the end gave her an ultimatum saying I need an answer by tomorrow you either stop seeing him and we work on each other or I file. I ended up filing a couple weeks later, it has been a year this month since separation and I'm in a better place now but it's still hard.
14 Feb 2018 11:18 - +1
As someone who’s going through a really nasty divorce right now and had a less-than-loveless marriage... You are going to be *so* much happier in the end. My divorce isn’t even settled yet, but the amount of stress that’s just gone from living separately has improved my life by a LOT.
14 Feb 2018 11:02 - +1
Would you be willing to post long term patterns as you go through this process. I’m curious if it adds underlying higher heart rate over time or how quickly it returns to normal patterns .
14 Feb 2018 11:22 - +1
The OP from the wedding post estimated the time data using samples from photos and video recordings. How did you measure the time for each event?
14 Feb 2018 11:00 - +1
Your not alone, been married 6 years then one day it was over. Going through the divorce now. It sucks but we will all move forward and live happier healthier lives.

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